Rajinikant & Didi: Clash of the Titans

Dealing with Didi

It’s a sunny morning in Chennai and the telephone at 18,

Raghava Veera Avenue

, Poes Garden, rings. Its ‘Mannu’mohan on the line and pleads with Rajini to take care of Mamata Didi and hungs the phone with a ‘Vive la Sonia ji!’

SS (super star): Aah… jujubi matter ma. Kadavule, Didi ya kaapathu pa.

A cup of kaapi from Jillu (Latha maami) and Thalaivar starts scheming; flash; sends an army of Robots to Bengal. The march of robots sends the City of Joy in a tizzy and didi baffled by this Paribartan immediately sets out to namma Chennai….

SS in white churidar kurta with his bald pate shining strides over to greet didi.

SS: Vanakkam didi. Aaaahh Shagotom. Kemon achchen?

Didi: bhalo achchi… apni bangla bolte paren.

SS: Ha ha ha (his TM laugh). matro ekṭi bhasha jotheshṭo noe. Please sit, Jillu Get a cup of chai for Didi. Aahn, in a kullar. Idhu eppadi irukku – ha ha ha

Didi: I’m not here to see your gimmicks. Just now, I put an end to the Red revolution in Bengal and now there is a robot revolution happening. I want to know the reason behind this Paribartan, Rajini ji

SS: didi, adhigama aasaipadra pombalaiyum, adha vida adhigama condition podra koottani thalaivarum nalla vaazhndada saritharam illa. Coming to the point, Mannu called me up to tackle your political gimmicks. I was also okay with it; yaen na aandavan solraan arunachalam mudikkaran… let me tell you something didi – aandavan kettavangalukku neraya kuduppan aana kai vitruvaan. Today maybe Mannu listens to you and the whole UPA dances to your tunes but do you think it will be like dis forever?

Didi: Now, who is Arunachalam? This man is even more baffling.

SS: cool, didi, cool…. I’ll sing a song. Hit song. Why this kolaveri kolaveri kolaveri didi?

Didi: Its Kolaberi.

SS: aaah enaku veri varudhu. Didi, you remind me of Padayappa Neelambari. Marupadiyum solren - adhigama aasaipadra pombalaiyum, adha vida adhigama condition podra koottani thalaivarum nalla vaazhndada saritharam illa. (Throws a walkie-talkie kinda thing on the table) This is to call back the robots army from Bengal. Fone a neenga edutha samaadhanam, naan edutha sandai. Theriyum ila, naan oru thadavai sonna nooru thadavai sonna madhiri.

(in a highly infuriated tone) R’ber Baasha bhai? R’ber the Endhiran climax? If you refuse, the robots will multiply themselves in a pattern and completely take over your City of Joy…. Idhu varaikum Bhayanakam a irunda neenga ini saadhvigama santhama maaranum. Else there will be a sequel to Sivaji: the Boss and you will meet the fate of Suman and that, my didi, will be the climax of your rule.

Didi (Panicked): Thamun! (And agrees to mellow down and mind her work without exerting pressure on anyone incl. Mannu and leaves without even having her dupurer khaabaar)

SS: ha, semma matter ma, inda madhiri yezhu naal seiyyanum!

Sachin 'TON'dulkar

Interesting comments by various personalities on Sachin’s century:( as usual, imagination only)

1. Digvijay Singh – Sachin is an RSS agent. All these days he was waiting to score his century against a Muslim country.

2. Manmohan Singh – I congratulate Sachin and also appreciate leadership of Shrimati Sonia Gandhi.
...
3. Rahul Gandhi – My grandmother created Bangladesh. She deserves the credit for this century.
... 4. Raj Thackeray – Sachin has proved himself to be a true Marathi Manus after scoring this century. So what if India has lost, Maharashtrians can not take the responsibility of the whole nation.
5. Mulayam Singh Yadav – If Sachin was from UP, I would have made tickets of all Cricket matches ‘Tax free’.

6. Anna Hazare – Sachin deserves to be the next lokpal of the country.

7. Baba Ramdev – If you multiply all the runs Sachin has made by a billion is what is the total black money in foreign country.
8. Kapil Sibbal – Social media need to control comments on Sachin’s century. It will harm the fabric of secularism in India.
9. Swami Agnivesh – Now that Bangladesh has helped Sachin score his 100th century, they have proved to be a true friend of India. Lets welcome their citizen in India and let them live wherever they can. Lets issue them voter’s ID card.

10. Kris Shrikant – We selectors hope that by 2050, Sachin will also score his 150th century.
11. Arjun Tendulkar – I want to play with my father in 2020 world cup.

12. Sachin Tendulkar himself – Aaeellaaaa…. Now what excuse I will make to not retire.
13. Sonia Gandhi – Er….. She did not respond since she is suffering from an undisclosed disease.

Bus Journey

Caution: This is not a travelogue and pls dont leave the page disapoointing.
What comes to your mind when you think of a bus journey? No, not the ones where long roads (with their hair-pin bends and curves ahead placards) unravel a scenic, misty view of hill station. I'm talking about our daily mode of commute - local city buses. Besides the crowd, nauseating odours arising from your co-passengers to damage your olfactory nerves and some unruly conductors, bus journey is quite fun.
Many funny banterings happen around... and from one of those banters only, I learnt that our Pernthalaivar Kamarajar (our most humble ex-CM and the Kingmaker who introduced midday meal scheme to lure rural children to school - it's not the Dravidian parties' scheme) had a Kethu dosham and that's why he was a celibate!! Two men were talking in the opposite row of seat and I couldn't control my grin.
Another day, a good-looking gal was shouting at her BF over mobile thus: "Unna love pannadhuku Airtel la evanayavdhu love pannirukalam; daily ethanai message, calls varudhu ange irundhu"! (I shuda loved some guy from Airtel as I get most of the smss & calls from them only). I'm sure the BF must have immediately laughed & made amends :).
And the usual cinema kisu kisu (gossips), m-i-ls compaining about their d-i-l's thalayanai manthiram & the changed behavior of their beloved sons in women's row; new models of mobile phones, udhavakkarai sons (i've noticed most of the dads are not at all proud of their sons), new film/audio releases, friends getting mokkais from their respective figures..... in men's row of seats. And both genders unanimously pull down conductor's leg sometimes :)
PS: And, in a bus ourney you can be sympathetic to pregnant ladies or to those shouldering toddlers and lose your smartphones/wallets, etc - ust like me & some of my friends did :-(

Whither Indian erotica?

Coming from the land of Kamasutra, it is but natural for me to think and wail about the present state of erotic literature. You may look at askance as u read but no one can help it and biological urges cannot be suppressed for a long time though many people in this complacent society act as Puritans and secretly enjoy titillating songs/photos/Websites.

History, esply Indian history, is replete with evidence of erotica in temple architecture or literature as in Khajuraho sculptures, Kamasutra, narrative Jain literature in Prakriti language full of eroticism, Sangam Tamil poetry, Rasakreeda (erotic foreplays between Krishna and Gopikas) and even Soundarya Lahiri composed by the great saint Adi Sankara where he describes and praises the fullness of Devi’s breasts. But all these sensual contents are in the past, what about now?

When it comes to painting the canvas with erotica, late MF Hussain, Jogen Choudhary and more recently Open Magazine’s Mihir Shrivastava (who uses nude models in his works) come into the picture. But what about those who do not know to appreciate this genre and view it only as naked paintings (not knowing the difference between nude and naked)? You say, books & cinema? Ugh, erotic literature is yet to come of age here. In books/novels, especially in Tamil, I can hardly find any. Though the mavericks of Tami fiction, Thi. Janakiraman and Ku. Pa. Rajagopalan, had in their works extra-marital affairs in the under current they never crossed their limit and described in detail. Even in his master-piece ‘Amma Vandhaal’ Thi Ja, although speaks of the mother’s affair with husband’s friend, does not delves deeper into (no pun intended) the description of the act as such! Sujatha, although he is known for his sci-fi novellas and his simple in style modern day prose, had a breast- fetish (like our director Gautham Menon’s foot-fetish. Kindly observe Ivan Yaaro, Vaseegara songs from Minnale, Omana Penne in VTV and the posters of Ek Deewana Thaa, then you’ll know wat I mean!). Sujatha’s penchant for his leading ladies’ globes can be found from the following passages : Priya (aval parandha maarbin mel irandu per sadhurangame vilayadalam pol irundadhu), Meghangalai thurathinavan (rathnavin meth endra andha edathil mugam pudhaikka vendum endrirundhadhu), En iniya endhira (pointing out at bra - enaku indha ullani elaam anindhu pazhakam illai. Mano- naan eppedho adhai parthu vittaen), Meendum Jeeno (kuzhandai pirandhal lactation ku payanpadum idhanaal veru evvalavu payangal irukkiradhu - the dog wondering so), etc.

I’m not talking about the Kamasutra types either, I know if anyone dares try the postures, chances are there the very next day he/she might be rushed to an Ortho. Only a gymnast can try those postures, it seems to me. And  I’m not talking about the Kumudam sketches either where heavy dosages of cleavage & hips are prescribed. You say our national  tabloid – the Slimes of India, huh? I don’t think any sexually-active man will ever look at those bottoms and breasts and the gossips on a daily basis. Maybe, erectile dysfunction cases can look thru the tabloid at those plastic jobs and artificial melons and salivate while marvelling at the handiwork of plastic surgeons. Come on, even Rasputin’s 13-inch long instrument needed some rest, I ‘ve read. (Yes, tks to Appa’s leniency and freedom given to me). Again I’m talking about sensualism and not porn-selling.

And in cinema, Bollywood/Kollywood or any other wood displays everything threadbare instead of partially-hiding, adding some sensualism and celebrating the peaks and curves. All those white saris drenched in rain, navel displays, the great fall of pallu with a tight blouse showing the padded up teapot lids and wonderful cinematography&editing zooming in and out continually at women’s breasts/hips causing irritation to your eyes…… Its disgusting! Its disgusting to watch so many botoxed beauties with a ‘velakennai kudicha’ look failing to glorify their mysterious curvaceous bodies thus killing the eroticism on silver screen. It just celebrates rape and vulgarity.

Why cant the ‘kalai thaagam pidichcha’ Indian artists, taking a cue from their Japanese counterparts, do something like Furry Dojinshi or animated Manga movies/comics? It’s time to rekindle and wake up the almost-dead senses!!

Cine ramblings

First things first - Apologies for being spaced out for such a lonnnnnnng time w/o posting anything. I'm not a filmy person (like my Director-aspirant hubby); I'm more into music (esply Carnatic, Hindustani and Raja sir, of course :) ). Earlier, I used to watch classical, offbeat movies but ot so often, but after marraige I've somehow taken an interest to movies, gossips, Pg 3 kinda things and all that (Talk about sagavaasa dosham, hmmm). One of my colleagues jokingly asked me thus - 'So if S saar makes a movie u can be in charge of the Music dept and we can see ur name in the screen!' Though i seriously doubt if 'S saar' would entrust me wid dat job. Well, a keen observer of people & things around (It pays to be a caricaturist, man) I have observed some things (some stupid also) in films which I'd lilke to pour down....
Yaen, yaen, yaen:
1. Despite giving their best efforts (that too sans pancakes mostly), Director Bala's heroines will only ee ottufy after the movie? Eg: Sangeetha, Laila in Pithamagan; wonderful Pooja in Naan Kadavul. Where are the gals now? Same goes wid Kamal Saar's (my friend AL, I affixed saar to ur hero :) ) heroines also - Abirami in Virumaandi; Kasturi, suganya in Indian, kiran in Anbe Sivam (avanga nadicha padam adhu onnu thaan, mathadhu ellam kaatina padam!)
2. People who applied loads of powder and make-up on Amala Paul's face in MUK completely forgot about her knees? Look at the poster and you will see her in a denim shorts walking wid black knees and elsewhere its all white!! (when I pointed out this, friends said I've a twisted mind, ugh!)
3. Why is it for a K-town hero all the blue skies, white moon and innumerable stars and other mundane things become sooooooooo new only after falling in Lavvv? (hello, unga amma nilava kaati soru ootnadhu ilaya pa?). I called my husband to watch the full moon and i got a sound snore as reply. (Yes, i hear some of u say Befitting. I can read minds, u rascala!)
4. Y is it Suhasini still thinks her husband is the best dir despite churning out a string of flops? for eg, while reacting to some glitches in the rec ently-organised Chennai Film Festival, she stressed dis and said: Adhu maniratnam aagave irundaalum kooda.... (Over confidence, odambukku aagadhu madam)
5. Y no one wants to experiment a film with Simbu as the hero deprived of his speech faculty? (Pls some rest for our ears)
6. Y is it people think one has to torture his/her own self (like tonsuring, 6,8 packs, sipping meals, sudden weight gain, bla bla) to achieve acting? I dont think Sivaji did any of these things but still acknowledged as the best actor globally (Vikram pls note this).
7. Y in the name of taking realism cinema and bringing new heroes, every director shatters our dreams? All parattai thalais, dhaadis, beedis, Yikes! (Enga kanavula nalla azhagana heroes vandhu rommmmmba naal aachu :'( )
PS: Yesterday I watched 'The Artist' movie. Marvellous screenplay and acting. And the actress reminded me of Suhasini (with her oval face, irukka-illaiya cheeks and her smile) and when i told dis to my hubby seated next to me, he was ROTFL. Unakku eppadi ipdi thonudhu?! If u watch the movie and heroine, in particular, pls post a comment here....

Songs of 2011

With 2011 drawing to a close, lets see what songs our newsmakers had in mind - as usual a satirical imagination ;)

Anna Hazare: moondrezhuthil en moochu irukkum, adhu mudindha pinnalum pechirukum
A Raja: Started the year with 'Raajathi raajan inda raja' and ends with 'no money, no kani'. (poor man, No bail also)
M Karunanidhi: Started the year with 'varudhu varudhu election varudhu'; defeated and after seeing his daughter's arrest & bail now singing - vandhaal mahalakshmiye
Jayalalithaa: Emerged victorious 'Jeya berigai kottada' and now 'ennuyir thozhi keladi seidhi...'
Sasikala: Aappu songu. Y dis kolaveri kolaveri kolaveri akka?
Ambani family: Beginning was a duet 'yeh Antilla hai pyaar ka' and now in a chorus 'hum saath saath hain' (Perfect family photo)
'Mannu'mohan: amma na summa illa da, ava ilanna naane illa da
Rahul 'the Dimpled' Gandy: kehta hai joker saara

P Chidambaram: pesa koodathu verum pechil sugam
Rajinikanth: naan seththu pozhachavan da, yemana parthu sirichavan da

Aish, the Ice Queen: Poovaagi kaayagi kanindha maram ondru.... (sssssshabba, at last!)

Gold, O Go(l)d

Gold....

Hard to get but easy to hold

Furnaced, molten, hammered, minted

Root cause of many a crime in olden days

but now the game-changer of many economies

My Rupee is crumbling and Dollar is paperless

But good god, i have gold!

An ornament of the rich

may someday cause an imposition of cess

for merely uttering the name of this shining, precious, gorgeous metal

Gold!!

-- Lavantika